The Anti-Fantasy Football League

There is too much attention and praise showered on the modern elite quarterback. The Tom Bradys, Peyton Mannings and Aaron Rodgers of the league are celebrated as genius demigods, just because they can make split-second decisions and deliver precise passes while being chased by gigantic men who spent an entire week figuring out ways to injure them. Blah fricking blah. The more compelling narrative is that of the modern failure. Because when things go wrong for an NFL quarterback, they go spectacularly wrong. And there will be no shortage of that this season. On-field arguments. Botched handoffs. Locker room backstabbing. Seeing that unfold is way more fun than watching Brady sling the ball around for a bit, droneishly drop clichés at the press conference, then go home to the hottest woman on the planet.

This year, we’re going to make it even more interesting, using an old trick: adding a draft, a scoring system, and gambling.

The steps are simple:

1. Draft four NFL teams using a snake-style draft.

2. Each week, choose two teams to start (you can start a team no more than 13 times a season and no less than five times a season). Just so we’re clear — you’re drafting a team, and you get every quarterback on that team.

3. Check Grantland each week to get the scoring from the weekly scorecard.

4. Remember that every QB on your roster is eligible for 24/7 points. That means even if you didn’t start the Seahawks on       Sunday, you still get the 150 points when Tarvaris Jackson’s privates appear on a blog on Tuesday.


The Scoring System

POSITIVE POINTS:

  • Benched during game (non-injury): 35 points
  • Concussed: 10 points
  • Interception for TD: 25 points
  • Interception (non-TD): 5 points
  • Fumbles lost: 5 points
  • Fumbles kept: 2 points
  • 3-turnover game: 12 points
  • 4-turnover game: 16 points
  • 5-turnover game: 24 points
  • 6-turnover game: 50 points
  • No passes of 25+ yards: 10 points
  • No passing/rushing TDs (QBs only): 10 points
  • Under 200 passing yards: 6 points
  • Under 150 passing yards: 12 points
  • Under 100 passing yards: 25 points
  • Under 50 percent completion rate: 5 points
  • Under 40 percent completion rate: 15 points
  • Under 30 percent completion rate: 25 points
  • Teammate/Coach/Fan argument on sidelines replayed: 15 points

24/7 POINTS:

  • Arrested: 50 points
  • Detained/questioned by police: 10 points
  • Practice/locker room fight (physical): 20 points
  • Apology press conference: 75 points
  • Picture of privates on blog: 150 points
  • Official vote of confidence from coach: 10 points
  • Bitching about his linemen: 10 points

NEGATIVE POINTS:

  • 300-349 yards passing: -6 points
  • 350-399 yards passing: -9 points
  • 400+ yards passing: -12 points
  • 75+ yards rushing: -8 points
  • 3 passing/rushing TDs: -5 points
  • 4 passing/rushing TD’s: -10 points
  • 5 passing/rushing TD’s: -20 points
  • Game-winning drive (last two minutes): -12 points

 

Let me know if you are interested. I only have room for 7 people!

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